If you’re anywhere near as nosey as I am, you’re really curious to know who goes to a sex therapist.

I used to think it was only perverts and weirdos, but guess what?

It’s actually people a lot like you. 

Who Are Your Clients?

If I were going to sum up my clientele, I’d say they’re people who want to do things their own way. They’re people who reject the mainstream way of doing things and strive to make a meaningful impact in their community. From trailblazing CEOs and extraordinary entrepreneurs to academics, advocates, and authors. Consequently, their privacy is important and discretion is something they value highly.

One other factor that unites them, at least when they arrive, is their fear that they’re sexually broken or damaged. They feel there’s something about them that is shameful and unacceptable.

Our deepest human longing for connection, understanding, and acceptance is always present. Like any of us, my clients want to be seen, heard, and held. 

But enough generalities, let’s get down to specifics (names changed and some cases have been amalgamated).

Pete is a handsome and confident 54-year-old cisgender heterosexual man, who recently left a 35-year monogamous marriage. His reason for booking in was that he’d recently started dating a gorgeous Brazilian woman who had “walked out of my dreams and into my bed!” Frustratingly, for the first time in his life, Pete found he had issues maintaining his erection. He was confused and annoyed that his body wasn’t responding the way he wanted it to, especially when presented with this voluptuous goddess.

We unpacked his expectations around his body “performing” the same way it had with his previous partner. We explored his assumptions around sex and dating, which were based on his 19-year-old self’s memories. By voicing his expectations he realised the need to update his understanding of himself and sex. The big shift was seeing sex as a pleasurable experience rather than a performance he needed to achieve.

Along with a series of standard sex therapy exercises, Pete’s erection problems decreased over time and he became more confident in his ability to stay hard for longer. Happy Pete, happy partner!

But that’s not all. When we dug a little deeper, Pete also shared his feelings of frustration on “missing out” on other sexual experiences due to his long, traditional, Christian marriage. Strip clubs still felt unethical to him, but with some probing, Pete blushingly admitted that he wanted to visit a BDSM club.

This marked a huge turning point for Pete to drop his religious guilt and shame and to dive wholeheartedly into exploring what really turned him on.  

Is Age The Enemy?

While we’re happy to accept that our tastes in music and clothes changes over the years, many of us assume our bodies and preferences don’t.

We have sexual experiences in our teens and twenties and then often stop experimenting. We decide that we “never orgasm during penetrative sex” or “have no sensations in our nipples” or “are too old for that kinky stuff”. 

We can feel perverted, dirty, or frustrated because we want to have group sex or because we want to be kept in a collar and cage like a pet. We live in shamed silence because we can’t even begin to bring this up with our partner. Although this is changing thanks to the internet, sadly, a lot of people never even begin to explore their changing sexual needs and desires.

We fear nobody will love us the way we are, especially if we want to watch Gardener’s World once we’ve packed away the paddle. 

Jenny and Ed are an extraordinarily lovely and lovable couple who had met through their local kink scene. They came to me as Jenny wasn’t feeling like having sex and almost never orgasmed despite the fact they had a very loving and affectionate relationship. Jenny is a bubbly, highly spiritual bisexual woman in her 40s, who couldn’t understand how she could love her partner and be so attracted to him and yet not want receive him sexually. 

Having explored their arousal patterns and desires, Jenny started to wonder if she was asexual. When we dug deeper it turned out that Jenny was generally more turned on by women than men, something she’d put to one side since starting to date Ed. Thankfully, he was unwaveringly supportive and encouraged Jenny to explore her sexual preferences, regardless of gender, and to work through the residual trauma caused by a painful previous polyamorous relationship.

By consistently choosing each other and communicating honestly, Jenny and Ed were able to adjust their sexual relationship so it is fulfilling for both of them, whether they have penetrative sex or not. Ed gets to play with partners that they vet together and they have a comfortable set of rules that allow them both to feel loved and secure in their non-monogamous relationship.

There were a lot of tears and difficult conversations over many months of therapy, but they have found a way to make the impossible possible and continue to be really happy together.  

But Can You Help Me?

That’s all well and good, but what if my sexual experiences are nothing like any of these people’s? You mean, what if your weird is a different kind of weird?

Whatever your sexual preferences, identities, and fetishes, I will offer you a safe space to explore what is authentically best for you (with the exceptions of paedophilia, zoophilia, and necrophilia - children, animals, and dead things). 

If there’s something in your sex life that you’d like to change, then we can work together to improve it in a safe and confidential space.

Together, we can ensure your frustrating personal issues don’t get in the way of your extraordinary life. You deserve to be satisfied and satiated and I’m here to help you.