Sex is a complex and multifaceted experience that means different things to different people. It's an act of intimacy, pleasure, and connection that can involve a variety of actions, body parts, and expressions. Yet, societal norms and definitions often narrow our understanding of sex, focusing primarily on penetration or certain types of interactions. But is that all there is to it? In this article, we'll explore what sex truly is, what it isn’t, and how we can broaden our understanding to embrace the diverse ways people experience intimacy.

What Is Sex?

The Oxford English Dictionary defines sex as "physical activity in which people touch each other’s bodies, kiss each other, etc., and which includes or is related to the act of having sexual intercourse." But what does this mean in practice? For sex to be truly consensual, it requires clear communication, mutual agreement, and respect for boundaries. Without consent, what we are left with isn't sex but a violation—an important distinction that’s often overlooked in discussions about sex.

What Isn't Sex?

Content warning: the following paragraph discusses sexual assault and rape.

It's also important we also clarify what isn’t sex. In the UK, we have three levels of illegal sexual violence between adults. The legal definition of rape is when someone puts their penis in another person's vagina, anus, or mouth, without the person's permission. Assault by penetration is when someone puts an object or other body part, such as fingers, into another person's vagina or anus, without the person's permission. Sexual assault is when someone touches you sexually without your permission, with an object or body part.

These actions are about power and control, not mutual pleasure or intimacy. By differentiating consensual sexual activities from non-consensual acts, we create a clearer understanding of what healthy sexual experiences look like.

Expanding on What Sex Is

If we agree that sex is defined as physical contact involving consensual sexual stimulation or arousal, how does that translate to actual human bodies?

The cis-heteronormative majority tend to define sex in a similar way to planets orbiting the sun. The penis is the focal point, with a variety of orifices basking in its glory, including the vagina, anus, mouth, and hand (not an orifice, clearly, but capable of providing a similar experience). Without going all Brian Cox, just as our universe contains billions of galaxies each containing billions of solar systems, I would argue that sex contains a nearly infinite number of other activities beyond the penis solar system with its four orbiting options.

Before making physical contact or even having someone in the same room as us, we’ve got sexting, phone and video sex, fantasising, and watching porn. Then there are sexual activities that can be done with someone else in the room that also don’t involve any touch, such as sexy and ‘dirty’ talk, watching someone masturbate, watching porn together, and non-contact role play.

Once we bring physical contact into the mix, we have kissing, making out, erotic and sensual massage, dry humping, grinding, spooning, bondage, water sports, and sensation play. Moving even closer together, there’s scissoring, mutual masturbation, face-sitting, muffing, rimming, and cunnilingus/oral sex. Including penetration gives us fingering, pegging, fisting, strap-on sex, using a dildo or vibrator, and using a butt plug and other anal toys. (And if you're like a handy reminder of some of these words, why not support the Vagina Museum and buy their Slang Tea Towel?)

This is not an exhaustive list. Sex can include any of these activities as well as many other erotic, sensual, and sexual experiences. Sex can be a solo act or with one or several other people. It can also include sex toys.

Embracing a Broader Definition of Sex

To fully embrace sex's diverse nature, it’s crucial to broaden the language and actions we associate with it. There are countless terms and ways to experience sex that don’t fit into traditional definitions.

Sex is not limited to the penis solar system. It’s not just about penetration or reaching orgasm. It’s not defined by achieving a certain outcome or following a particular script. Sex isn’t just about the penis or vagina, nor does it have to involve multiple people, romantic love, or even genital contact.

It's essential to dismantle the myths that suggest sex has to "look" a certain way. For example, sex isn’t only valid if it involves a heterosexual couple or happens in a committed relationship. It isn’t less valuable if it doesn’t end in an orgasm. It’s not less meaningful if it’s solo or involves non-traditional forms of touch and stimulation.

When we remove these restrictions and embrace a broader definition of sex, we free ourselves to explore discover, and connect with others or ourselves in ways that feel authentic, comfortable, and pleasurable. It’s an invitation to redefine what sex can be and to honour your unique journey of sexual exploration.

This Isn't My Idea of Sex

And that's totally ok. We're not here to gate-keep you, as you get to define sex however you want. Also, at Intimata we're sex neutral. This means we believe you don't have to have sex to be in an intimate relationship. It's not a required component. However, if you do have sex and reading this has got your asking some questions about how you think about sex and maybe how you define it within your relationship(s), then you are not alone. 

Often, when people in intimate relationships say they have different levels of desire or sex drive, they also have different ideas of what sex is, and what sexual satisfaction is. If you want someone to help guide you through exploring what sex means for you, I invite you to get in touch.