What’s The Secret To A Successful Relationship?
Mar 30, 2024
After over 30 years of longitudinal studies on thousands of couples, The Gottman Institute have distilled their findings down to one key point.
It’s not regular sex, high income equality, or education levels.
So, what is it, you ask?
Drumroll, please!…
Bids
Huh? If this seems like an anti-climax, don’t be fooled. Bids are small things that make all the difference.
If someone asks for a response from their partner, they’re making a bid.
For example, you might ask your partner how their day went, or if they have a preference about what to have for dinner. You might reach out your hand, hoping your partner takes it. Or you might laugh at something on your phone and look up at your partner, wanting them to ask you about it.
These are all bids. Each is a request for communication, which the Gottman Institute describes as a “fundamental unit of emotional communication”.
This is a great short video about bids.
Why Do Bids Matter?
#1 Bids are the foundation of emotional connection
Bids represent attempts by one partner to connect with the other on an emotional level. As outlined above, bids can be verbal (e.g., asking for advice, sharing a funny story) or nonverbal (e.g., a hug, seeking eye contact). By recognising and responding positively to bids, partners show they’re interested in what the other has to say and feel. If a bid receives a positive response, it strengthens the emotional bond.
#2 Bids indicate emotional needs
Bids often stem from underlying emotional needs like seeking attention, affection, or validation.
At the end of almost every couples’ session I do, I ask each person to make a request of the other. This is to help clients practise making verbal bids and to encourage connection seeking. By responding positively to bids, partners fulfil these needs, creating a sense of security and support within the relationship.
#3 Bids predict relationship satisfaction
As explained in the introduction, the Gottmans found bids the single biggest factor in predicting relationship satisfaction. Evidence substantiates the strong correlation between how couples respond to bids and their overall relationship satisfaction. Couples who consistently “turn towards” each other’s bids (respond positively) tend to have happier and more fulfilling relationships compared to those who frequently “turn away” (ignore or dismiss bids).
#4 Bids offer opportunities for deeper intimacy
Responding positively to bids creates openings for deeper conversations and emotional vulnerability. This allows partners to truly understand and connect with each other on a deeper level, strengthening the foundation of the relationship.
#5 Bids build trust and positive communication
When partners consistently turn towards each other’s bids, it fosters trust and a sense of security. This open communication environment allows for addressing concerns and conflicts constructively, further strengthening the relationship.
How Do I Recognise A Bid?
Now we’re all on the same page about how important these bids are. But how to you ensure you recognise your partner’s bids? What if their signalling is different to yours?
Bids typically fall into 2 categories: verbal and physical/non-verbal.
Verbal
- Direct requests – these are explicit and clear, like “Can you help me with this?” or “I’d love to hear about your day.”
- Sharing experiences – this could be them telling you a funny story, venting about a frustrating experience, or seeking your opinion on something.
- Asking questions – this can be about your day, your thoughts on a topic, or simply a way to initiate conversation and connect.
- Affectionate statements – they might say things like “I love you,” “I miss you,” or give you a compliment.
Physical
- Initiating physical touch – this can be anything from a hug, kiss, holding hands, to simply putting a hand on your arm.
- Eye contact – seeking eye contact can be a bid for attention and connection.
- Facial expressions – a smile, raised eyebrows, or a furrowed brow could all be bids, depending on the context.
- Change in tone of voice – they might sound excited, sad, frustrated, or simply different than usual, seeking your attention or engagement.
How Can I Respond Better?
At the start of a relationship, our eyes can be glued to our partner as we eagerly await every bid they toss our way, eager to respond and confirm our affection and appreciation.
A few months or years later, we may be a little less eager. This is especially true if we find ourselves receiving more negative bids than positive ones. You know: the eye rolls, the non-reciprocated hug, and the angrily filling the dishwasher.
If you feel stuck in a cycle of negative bids, or you just want to get better at recognising them, try these 5 approaches:
- Pay attention – be present in the moment and actively listen to your partner, both verbally and non-verbally.
- Consider the context – not everything your partner says or does is a bid. Try to understand their underlying needs and intentions.
- Be open-minded – don’t dismiss subtle bids as insignificant. Even small gestures can hold meaning.
- Ask clarifying questions – if you’re unsure about their intention, simply ask them. Try not to assume the worst. Open communication is key.
- Turn it around – if your partner throws out a negative bid, can you meet it with care and curiosity? If not, try to be neutral rather than negative or defensive.
Can You Help Me With This?
Yes, I would be delighted to help you. Let me reassure you, this is definitely a skill you can learn and refine. Some of us didn’t have great role models for noticing and responding well to bids. That’s ok. It doesn’t make you a bad or stupid person. It just means you have identified a relationship skill that would benefit from some focused attention.
With practice and an open heart, you can get better at bids and significantly increase your chances of a healthy and happier intimate relationship.