It's really not easy to apologise sincerely, especially when we've been really upset or hurt by an event or conversation. However, learning to apologise in a meaningful way is a skill we can all learn and can significantly help in all of our relationships.

Here are ten mistakes I have heard clients make when apologising to their partner in sessions. While they're easy to do, they undermine the apology and don't provide what the other person needs to heal and repair the relationship. These are very general statements, so please take what you find useful and don't assume this is a 'to do' list for every single situation that requires an apology. 

What makes a bad apology?

1. Being extremely vague: I'm sorry for whatever has upset you.

2. Apologies including "...but...": I'm sorry, but I don't agree. 

3. Negating the other person's feelings or experience: I'm sorry, but that's just not what happened.

4. Deflecting back: I'm sorry that I did that, but you do it too.

5. Blaming the other person: I'm sorry, but if you hadn't done that in the first place...

6. Criticising: I'm sorry, but you're so sensitive about everything.

7. Invalidating: I'm sorry, but you can't seriously feel like that. 

8. Impatience: I'm sorry, but can't you get over it already?

9. Condescension: I'm sorry that you feel that way.

10. Self-shaming: I'm sorry, and clearly I'm just a lousy partner who can't do anything right.

What makes for a good apology?

1. Calm: Try to get yourself into as calm a mood as possible so you can connect with the other person and your tone will be sincere. 

2. Sincerity: Apologise when you can actually mean it and not when you're still too angry or upset for it to be genuine. 

3. Acknowledgement: Name what you have done and what you're apologising for. I'm sorry for the hurtful comments I made on the drive to the station.

4. Responsibility: Make it clear you are taking responsibility for the impact of your words and actions and of the hurt and pain you may have caused, even if it was unintentional. 

5. Curiosity: Be curious about how you upset the other person, what you weren't listening to, and what they need from you in terms of understanding or behaviour change.

6. Validation: Validate and acknowledge the other person's emotions, even if they don't make sense to you or you don't agree with the perspective. Validating their experience is a way to show you hear and see them, regardless of whether you share their view. 

8. Active listening: A big part of a good apology is listening to what the other person felt and needs, even if this is uncomfortable and you want to defend or explain yourself. 

7. Empathy: Demonstrate real understanding and empathy for the other person's feelings and experience, even if they're very different to your own. 

8. Accountability: Be accountable for your past actions, and be specific about the future changes you're going to make. 

9. Behaviour change: Name something you can do differently in the future to avoid this particular sort of upset again, which doesn't mean avoiding conflict altogether but may mean having better disagreements.

10. Focus only on your apology: When you are apologising, don't do it expecting or waiting for the other person to apologise at that exact time. 

Depending on the situation, some combination of the above will likely lead to a sincere and heartfelt apology, which is likely to create the sort of repair you need to restore the relationship.