How To Get Started Opening Up A Monogamous Relationship
Apr 10, 2024
7 Steps To Healthy Non-Monogamy
“The point for me is to create relationships based on deeper and more real notions of trust. So that love becomes defined not by sexual exclusivity, but by actual respect, concern, commitment to act with kind intentions, accountability for our actions, and a desire for mutual growth.”
Step 1: Why Do You Want To?
More and more people want to have less monogamous relationships. This can range from monogamish to open and all sorts of delightful non-monogamous and polyamorous relationship styles in between.
This article is primarily aimed at monogamous people to help them move towards non-monogamous relationships. It’s one pathway of many to work out and practice non-monogamy, whether you are single or partnered. Please take the time to think about all of the questions and I recommend you write down or make audio notes of your answers. This way, you can discuss them with your partner(s).
This is a general 'starter guide' guide and obviously can't specifically address your unique situation (that's what therapeutic work is for.) It draws on the works of polyamorous therapists including Jessica Fern and Niki D, as well as my professional practice and personal experience.
Questions:
1. What is motivating or inspiring you to try non-monogamy?
2. What are you currently not getting in your relationship(s) that you hope to once practicing non-monogamy?
3. What do you feel you will gain by having different intimate relationships in your life?
Step 2: Imagine
Often we start this process with a heavy monogamy hangover. We know what we don’t want but don’t yet know what we do want.
Step 2 is not about action, it's about better understanding yourself. It’s about daydreaming and feeling into what’s possible and enjoyable for you.
Do you want to come home to two or more partners? Do you want to have sex with more than one of them at a time? Do you want to listen to your partner talk about their hot date?
If you keep imagining then you’ll find yourself wondering how would you colleagues, friends, and family respond? Who do you want to introduce your partners to?
Give yourself permission to let go and imagine your unique best possible poly life. You may want to write this down so you can share it with partners or potential partners. Also, notice the areas of your imagined relationships you are avoiding thinking about.
Questions:
1. In an ideal world, if you had it all your way, what would your relationships looks and feel like once you're monogamous?
2. How do you imagine your wider life changing once you have multiple relationships? (e.g. work, family life)
3. What areas of your life would you like to remain the same and not be impacted by a change in relationship structure?
Step 3: Explore
Now you have a sense of what you want, the next step is to talk about it with your current partner(s).
If you’re already partnered, this step is all about being really curious about what each person wants. Be as clear and authentic as you can when communicating your imaginings. Be honest about what you truly want rather than what you feel your partner(s) can handle.
Learn as much as you can about the imaginings of your partner(s), including how they want the relationship to feel, what they want it to look and be like, and what’s most important for them. Ask for clarification, check you really understand them, and don’t assume you know what they want. If you find this stage really difficult as a couple, I suggest you get professional help from a counsellor as good communication is key to healthy non-monogamous relationships.
For many people, especially those of us who are neurodivergent, it can be really difficult to put our imaginings into words. So be generous with your time and attention and allow yourselves to spend as long as you need on this stage.
Be mindful that the exploring step is not an opportunity to impose your will or coerce your partner into changing the relationship in ways that you would like. As with all stages, positive ongoing consent is key.
Questions:
1. Ask your partner something along the lines of, "how do you feel about non-monogamy in general?" and be ready to listen and learn
2. Ask if they want to hear about your ideas and if they do, share your answers to Steps 1 & 2. If they don't respect their conversational consent and find another time.
3. Are you able to listening to your partner without imposing your desires and wishes? If not, why not?
Step 4: Negotiate, In Theory
Let's assume you have managed to talk about the possibility of trying some form of non-monogamy together. You’ve clarified your different or shared ideas and now you need to start considering the practicalities. This is usually called contracting and therapists such as Tristan Taoromino are great to follow for contracting tips and advice.
It’s often worth writing this down, not as a binding document, but to have something to revisit, as it can be difficult to remember how you felt in the past when you’re in the throws of new relationships.
Questions
1. Can each of you use veto power (e.g. can you forbid your partner from dating or having sex with a specific person)?
2. What are each of your or your shared hard boundaries (e.g. about contraception or that nobody has sex in our bed except us)?
3. What are each of your or your shared soft boundaries (e.g. how much you share about metamours (partners’ partners) or what to do when one of you breaks this agreement)?
Step 5: Dip Your Toe
Finally, you get to put all of your hard work into practice!
This is the trial and error stage to gather data points, much like a scientific experiment. Try new things, such as using apps such as Feeld, kink websites like good old Fetlife, joining swingers groups, play parties, or polyamorous events locally or online.
If you are in a monogamous relationship, make sure you have thoroughly talked through steps 1-4. If I asked you to tell me your partners answer to all of the questions and you can't tell me, then you haven't talked through things enough - or you haven't been listening. Please revisit the steps, slow down, and take time to move through the process together.
Be prepared for each of you to have different levels of success and enthusiasm, which can be very disruptive. So make sure that you’re putting enough attention into your old relationship to weather the discomfort and grow together. You will change, your relationship will change, and so will your partner.
Opening the window lets in plenty of fresh air and excitement, but we can get carried away and damage the relationship. To give a personal example, I cried myself to sleep the first night my partner spent with someone else even though we’d planned it and discussed it.
This isn’t necessarily about prioritising the established relationship, it’s more about not knowing how much discomfort and uncertainty you can handle. So my suggestion is, when something hurts or upsets you, whether it was intentional or accidental, talk about it together.
Do you best to talk about everything you feel needs to be said, even if it’s awkward or uncomfortable. Try and aim for bite size chunks of conversations, say 30 minutes, not 3 hours. And don’t worry, you can’t plan for everything and you’ll have to revisit this step once you’ve started putting things into practice.
Questions:
1. How does each of you want to dip their toe in? (e.g. going to a sex club, fetish night, set up a non-monogamous online dating profile)
2. Will you do this together or separately?
3. How will you keep each other in the loop?
Step 6: Evaluate
At the beginning of this process, it's worth having regular, maybe even daily, check ins. However, often something will happen that will naturally cause you to come together and evaluate what you negotiated in previous steps.
Frequent, quick check-ins are important in keeping a relationship healthy and hygienic and I cannot recommend them highly enough. You’re going to feel differently about what you agreed to in principle now you’ve been doing it in practice. Maybe your partner only likes having sex with strangers and you only like having sex with friends? Maybe one of you wants more couple time and the other wants weekly polycule horror movie nights?
This is a great time to talk about envy, jealousy, excitement, and compersion, in yourself and your partners. Some people find it difficult to voice their feelings and others find it harder to hear others talk about theirs. Do you best to allow and acknowledge all feelings.
If done well, this stage should strengthen your relationships and increase intimacy. If you find your evaluations turn into arguments or you feel unable to say what you need to, try slowing down the conversations, listening more, speaking less, and validating each other’s emotions more. This is also a great time to read “The Many Faces of Polyamory” or get professional help. You can search online for terms such as polyamorous relationship therapist.
Questions:
1. What's something your partner has done really well in this process and why does it matter?
2. What's something you personally are struggling with in the changing relationship dynamic?
3. What's something you'd like to be different going forward?
Step 7: Rinse & Repeat - Slowly!
It's important to understand that opening up a monogamous relationship is a major shift and requires careful communication and exploration. It also requires ongoing consent from both partners and plenty of time. So you may find yourself revisiting the questions above as your experiences and feelings change over time.
Also, the fantasy can be very different to the reality. For example, see this article about the 5 myths of polyamory.
You may find that each of you finds some steps easier than others. It can be a very time and energy consuming process, so there's no shame in getting as much help as you can.
Questions:
1. Reread the questions above and ask yourself, "Which questions did I skip or skim over and why?"
2. Look over your answers and ask yourself, "Which answers now need updating and why?"
3. What would you like to praise and appreciate in your partner in how they're participating in this process? Communicate your appreciation to them.
There are many online resources and I encourage you to read and watch as widely as you can. And, if you need a bit of professional help, reach out to me or another therapist or coach who you feel is a good fit for you. You deserve to be supported as you navigate this big and exciting life change!