You know you've got a problem and you've decided you want help with it. But how do you even begin to find the best therapist for you?

7 Steps From Googling To Booking In

Let’s assume, as you’re reading this article, that you’re considering finding a sex therapist to help you with the physical, emotional, or mental side of your intimate relationship(s).

This article will help you both to clarify what you're looking for and how to find it.

1. Sex Therapy is Talk Therapy

Sex Therapy is a form of talk therapy used to address issues involving or related to sex.

Qualified Sex Therapists may be certified as Therapists, Psychologists, Psychotherapists, Counsellors, or other (mental) health professionals. Sex Therapy tends to be a Post Graduate level training so the person will have already trained in some other form of counselling or social work.

Sex Therapists shouldn't touch you, don’t have sex with you, nor demonstrate intimate activities on themselves or on you.

If you want to work with someone who will touch you, look for a sex worker, sexological bodyworker, or certain types of sex coaches. 

2. What Matters Most To You?

Let's assume you have decided you do want talk therapy not touch-based therapy. 

If you want someone who is clinically trained and qualified, check the registers of our governing bodies. The main Sex Therapy accrediting body in the UK is COSRT and in the US, you’ve got AASECT and SESTRT. All have a “Find a Therapist” feature on their website, which allows you to search by specialisation and geographic area.

It's worth remembering that not all practitioners choose to be part of these organisations. It doesn't mean they're not amazing at what they do, but it may impact what recourse you have available if something goes wrong.

3. What's Your (Demographic) Flavour?

If you’re looking online, this still leaves hundreds or even thousands of options. So how do you choose?

Do you want a sex therapist who shares your religion or cultural background, or does their training matter more than lived experience? Have a think about your personal priorities in the person you'll be working with.

Let’s consider two key aspects:

• what demographic groups you belong to
• who the therapist says they specialise in working with.

You already know what your problem is, such as vaginismus or erectile dysfunction. You can search for these specific issues, and/or the population group you belong to. For example, this could be older couple, sex workers, or wheelchair users. So you might search for "Muslim Sex Therapist" or "Sex Therapist for Fertility Issues in Gay Couples".  

If you want to see a Sex Therapist in person, you'll want to search by a specific geographical area, e.g. "North London trans sex therapist". 

4. What Are Your Core Values?

If you're talking about your most intimate experiences you want to find someone who you feel safe with and can trust.

While all therapists are trained to be inclusive and non-judgemental, this isn't always what happens in practice. Some therapists will only discuss sex with people in heterosexual marriages because they see “normal” sex as some sort of whack-a-mole with a penis jabbing at a vagina like a toothpick in an inflamed gum. (I may exaggerate a little!)

Often, but not always, the more conservative sex therapists will also be the least sex positive and the most medicalised (assuming physical problems require medical solutions).

Remember that, technically, paraphilia – which includes same-sex sex, BDSM, and kink – is still classified as a mental health problem, alongside paedophilia and necrophilia (that’s fucking kids and corpses). Do you want to work with someone who believes that tying up your partner makes you mentally ill?

There’s a growing body of sex-positive therapists. They will be more open to help you with a variety of issues and their idea of “normal” sex is likely to include anal, oral sex, multiple partners, toys, and some kink.

 5. What's your feeling and opinion?

 These days, most sex therapists have a website. So put on your deerstalker and dig a bit deeper into the professional identity of your potential therapist. 

Take a look at their website:

• What’s your gut response? (Do you like the colours and look?)
• What words stand out at you?
• What topics do they write about?
• Do you get a sense of connection with their style of writing and presentation?
• Do they have a sense of humour and does it appeal to you?

 Remember, you get to choose someone that feels right to you. You opinion and feeling about someone from their online presence is valid and important in your personal decision-making process.

There’s no right or wrong here, it’s about seeing if this therapist’s values, ideals, and interests align with yours.

Lots of therapists offer short free initial consultations, usually 10 - 20 minutes long. Shop around and book in for a few and see how you feel with different people. 

Don’t be afraid to ask about their training, qualifications, and insurance.

Remember, you’re letting this person into your head, heart, and sharing your most intimate secrets. You are 100% entitled to vet them thoroughly. 

7. Practicalities: Pricing And Policies

On a practical level, be realistic about what you can afford and what you can commit to financially on an ongoing basis. With so little sex therapy available through public healthcare (if at all in your country), the chances are that you are paying for this yourself.

If you’re in the UK, you can get a referral from your GP or a Sexual Health Clinic to receive 6 hours of free sex therapy on the NHS. Relate offers some free and low-cost sex therapy. You can always try searching for 'low cost sex therapy near me' or something similar.

To work out what you'll need to spend, it's best to assume you'll be having weekly or biweekly sessions. These can cost anything from £50 to £300 per 50-minute session, with most around £80 - £120. I charge £170 (200€) per session and usually see clients weekly. Many therapists have low-cost and sliding scale options, so don't be afraid or embarrassed to ask.

While each person and issue is unique, I suggest being prepared to see a sex therapist weekly for at least a couple of months, so a minimum of £400 - £2400 in total. 

Very occasionally, there are some quick-fix solutions, but usually, sexual trauma and relationship problems are highly complex and have long-standing origins. They require a significant time to process, release, and integrate. However, the process is likely to be most efficient and effective with a sex therapist you trust and feel is a good fit for you.

If you want to see someone face to face, make sure you factor in travel time and costs, and that their facilities meet any accessibility needs you may have. 

These practicalities might seem boring and obvious, but they can make or break a (therapeutic) relationship.

Bonus Question!

Would you trust this person with your child or dog? What I mean is, do you actually like and get good vibes from this person?

To recap, you’ve already decided you want talk therapy and worked out what key terms you want to search for online. You've considered their qualifications and evaluated their website. You know that they work with people like you and that their values and interests overlap with yours. You’re confident you can afford their services and meet them at a time that’s convenient. Now it’s time to listen to your gut or heart. Do you want this person in your life? Trust yourself and your instincts.

If you’re considering sex therapy for the first time, check out the Sex Therapy Star free course, which has been specifically created for people just like you.

I hope this article helps you find your ideal Sex Therapist!