Choosing a therapist can be difficult and overwhelming. Since writing the article, “How to choose the best sex therapist for you", I’ve been asked for more specific details. Personally, I would always start with the 5 basics. These are that your prospective counsellor: 

1. Is trained to at least level 4 counselling (for comparison, I hold two Level 7 diplomas, which are the clinical equivalent of masters level)
2. Belongs to a governing or regulatory body (e.g. UKCP, NCPS, COSRT)
3. Has a written contract that you both sign before starting working together
4. Has professional insurance as a counsellor or therapist 
5. Has regular clinical individual or group supervision.

This article gives you 5 additional points to consider. The questions in orange are to help you reflect, and there are no right or wrong answers. Rather, I’m trying to offer you the best questions to help you reach a decision that leads you to find a brilliant match.

1. Check Their Socials

This might sound obvious, but you can often get a good sense of someone from what they post.

• Is there a link to a podcast so you can hear their voice?
• Can you watch a video of them demonstrating or explaining something?
• Do you like their tone and approach?

For example, my colleague Genevieve focuses on inclusive sex education and you can learn a lot about their brilliant work from their Insta content.

Social media might seem like a funny place for me to start, given I have no professional or personal social media presence. My two main reasons for this are that I’m a private, sensitive person who doesn’t enjoy the invasive onslaught I experience on most social media platforms. Secondly, I want my business to have a polished and professional digital presence that is easy for me to successfully manage. I aim for impeccable quality over mediocre quantity.

However, you can still learn a lot about me as a therapist even without social media. There 3 other key ways to find social proof: 

• What comes up when you search online for your prospective therapist?
• Who or what organisations do they align themselves with (e.g. I'm a member of TACTT & BSSM)?
• Do you align with these professionals, organisations, or causes too? 

2. Lived Experience Vs Professional Competence

For some people, the training or experience of their therapist is what they look for, in terms of feeling confident that this person can meet their needs and offer high-quality therapeutic support. For other people, they want their counsellor to have shared, real-life experiences, such as being queer, physically disabled, or polyamorous. 

• Do you feel your therapist must have lived experience of the issue you’re bringing to them?
• Or a shared sexuality?
• Or similar relationship experiences?

If you answer yes, how will you know? If you look at my “About” page you can see I’m all about being a multi-neurodivergent (AuADHD with synesthesia), Waitrose queer, non-monogamous kinkster. This is because it’s taken me a damn long time to work all of that shit out, so I want to lead by example and be open about my personal, lived experiences.

However, I have plenty of gay and kinky colleagues who don’t publicly disclose this information on their websites, with very good reason. I mean, if a therapist can only work with issues that they have experienced themselves, how do I manage to work with rapid ejaculation and other penile issues when I don’t have a penis?

It can also be helpful to see what you can find out about what your prospective therapist offers in terms of specialisms. For example, I also give specialist training to other therapists on neurodivergence, sex, and relationships.

You can usually find this information on a therapist’s website. For example, my colleague Lara is both a qualified counsellor and creator of Centaur Studios in Hackney, London. It’s likely that someone who has set up their own kinky playspace and community hub is going to have a vast variety of experience in all kinds of kink and be pro-BDSM, personally and professionally.

3. Collaborations & Publications

For the more cerebral folks, you may be interested in the research and publication of your prospective therapist, and what trainings they've recently attended.
 

• What blogs, podcasts, or papers has your therapist published?
• Do the people they're collaborating with resonate with you?
• Do you care more about their years of experience or level of qualifications?

While I don’t recall a single client asking to see my qualifications or certificates, a lot of my clients are academics and researchers (unsurprisingly, as I originally set up my practice in Oxford). For them, it mattered that I had a raft of academic and clinical qualifications. Personally, I love the rigour of academic research, but for those not in academia, this might be totally irrelevant.

• Does being able to write a research paper make me seem like a better or worse fit as your counsellor?
• Or don’t you really care?