An Intimate Introduction To An Intersex Life (Part 3/3)
Apr 06, 2024
This is the third article in a series of three. L explores their own identity, belonging in the queer community, and L's burgeoning role as an intersex advocate. You can read the introductory first part of this here, and the second article about their medical interventions here.
Gender, Labels, And Pronouns
"I'm 99% happy with 'non-binary' which, for intersex people, is useless anyway, but we have to work with how cis people see us. So, I'm in the non-binary box and within that box, I'm bi-gender, as I'm male and female at the same time, all the time."
For L, feeling both male and female at the same time is a constant reality. The two can’t be separated and there’s no flux or fluidity to his gender. Lor clarified this by explaining that the way he thinks and feels is masculine and he has a masculine body. At the same time, he prefers being around women and feels more at home with women. I wondered how much of this was due to being raised and socialised as a woman.
L expanded on this, as he sees femininity and masculinity as a continuum with toxic masculinity and toxic femininity at each far end. Towards the middle are healthy versions of each and this is where L aims to reside. It took Lor many days of reflection to really work out what felt right to him in terms of his gender identity and to accept that he occupies aspects of both binary genders.
However, there are aspects of L’s relationship to his gender that he’s still working out! This includes his internal biases around what it means to be feminine, such as seeing women as weak and not wanting to identify with that weakness.
As you can see in this article, L uses both “he” and “she”. The singular “they” doesn’t feel right as L is clear that he’s bigender and sees himself as both genders all the time. That said, he does want to be clear that even though he uses “she”, he still doesn’t feel like a woman.
Sexual Identity
"I have absolutely no desire to get my chops around a penis!"
In terms of sexual attraction, L used to call herself a lesbian, but she’s now less sure about the term because she no longer identifies as a woman. Looking at the options available within the LGBT+ community, L is clear she isn’t a gay man and isn’t bisexual as she’s only attracted to women – especially girly girls. So, she’s still looking for the right sexuality label. In the past, L was very specific in terms of only wanting to have relationships with people who have vulvas, whether they’re cis, trans, or non-binary.
However, she’s now more leaning towards the feeling that she’s more interested in dating someone who is right for her, rather than seeking out specific genitalia.
Hermaphrodites
"I have no emotional connection to my breasts; I'm agnostic about them."
While the word intersex literally means between sexes, L told me that some intersex people are reclaiming the word “hermaphrodite” as a better description of who they are and the bodies they live in. In a similar way to reclaiming the word “queer”, many people who can self-apply the term are doing so consciously and with pride.
L’s body continues to change now he’s no longer taking hormone medication. He also mentioned having some dysphoria particularly in relation to his chest and doesn’t like looking at or talking about that part of his body.
Intersex Evolution
"It's not about being a purist, it's about asking the right questions to get a meaningful answer."
L told me about the current debate within the intersex community concerning who should be included. Unlike most of the LGBT+ community which is based on self-identification, being intersex has a biomedical definition and is based on differences in sexual development.
Biology Break
It’s science o’clock, peeps! Most people are endosex. This means that most people born with XX chromosomes are female and most people born with XY chromosomes are male. But that’s not true of everyone. In contrast, intersex people may differ by having reproductive organs or genitals from the opposite sex, or other related genetic variations. There are many ways to be intersex that include variations in hormone production and in chromosomes patterns, so there is great diversity within the intersex community. Around 1 in 2000 babies are born with atypical genitals and are intersex, but many more intersex variants are not identified until the person is older, if at all.
Given that many people may be intersex and not find out until they have genetic karyotype testing done, for example for a bone marrow transplant, the total number of intersex people is an estimate at best. The statistic widely given is 1.7% of the general population, comparable to the population of redheads. As you can see, being intersex is all about biology. Consequently, intersex is not something you can feel or want to be.
Intersex Advocacy
L told me that some intersex advocates want to expand the definition of intersex to include people with incomplete sexual organs or hormone-related variations. This includes variations of hypospadias, AIS, MRKH, PCOS, endometriosis, retroverted uterus, and micropenis. The argument for this broader definition is that this makes up to 20% of the general population intersex. This would mean more social mass for advocacy, lobbying, and public support. In theory, that sounds like a great idea, don’t you think?
L explained to me why it’s not that clearcut and why he is unsure if this is the best way forward. He wonders if the benefits gained by swelling the numbers may be outweighed by muddying the cause. To explain, by adding in non-genetic differences such as different secondary sex characteristics as a reason for being intersex, it makes it harder to create a community of intersex people who have a shared sense of identity and understanding of what it is to be intersex. The danger being that within this 20%, the biomedical intersex voices could be drowned out and no longer have a safe and coherent space from which to build a community and advocate.
Clearly, there’s no simple or single answer here. Another idea L voiced was to have three possible subdivisions of intersex. This would allow the umbrella term intersex to unite everyone within the group. Under the umbrella of intersex would be three groups: those who are intersex/sex reversal, those with incomplete sex development, and those with differences of secondary sex characteristics. This is clearly a work in progress for the intersex community.
I hope you've enjoyed reading about L's intersex life. Let me conclude by saying a huge thank you to L as I really appreciate her openness and generosity of heart in sharing so many difficult and personal experiences.