Understanding our emotions is vital for nurturing healthy relationships, particularly in non-monogamous contexts. Three key terms - jealousy, envy, and compersion - are essential for managing these often-complicated dynamics. While these terms are especially relevant to non-monogamous relationships, the insights they provide can benefit anyone seeking healthier, more fulfilling connections.

What Is The Difference Between Jealousy and Envy?

Jealousy and envy are often used interchangeably, but they are distinct emotions with different dynamics.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something you already have to a third party. In non-monogamous relationships, jealousy might arise when a partner starts a new romantic or sexual relationship. This emotion can signal a fear of losing the existing bond or the special status within that relationship.

Envy, on the other hand, occurs when you desire something someone else has. In the context of non-monogamy, you might feel envious if your partner experiences something with another person that you wish you could experience, too.

Why does it matter?

Understanding the nuances between jealousy and envy can help address the root causes of these emotions. Recognising whether you’re feeling jealous or envious can help guide you toward different strategies for managing these feelings effectively.

What Is Compersion?

Compersion is the vicarious joy one feels from experiencing or witnessing another’s joy. It’s often considered the opposite of jealousy. In non-monogamous relationships, compersion more specifically relates to the delight experienced in knowing a partner is seeking out and enjoying romantic or sexual intimacy with other people. This Ted Talk gives a great overview.

Why is it important?

Compersion can transform how we approach relationships, fostering a sense of abundance and mutual support rather than competition and possessiveness. Embracing compersion can lead to deeper empathy and a stronger connection with your partner.

Why Understanding These Emotions Matters

Being precise about our feelings enables us to understand the underlying needs driving those emotions. Jealousy and envy can act as important internal signals, alerting us to unmet needs or insecurities. Addressing these emotions constructively can enhance self-awareness and improve relationship dynamics.

Reflective Question: How do jealousy and envy manifest in your relationships, and what underlying needs might they be pointing to?

The Role of Mononormativity

Mononormativity, the cultural norm that frames monogamy as the only respectable way to form intimate bonds, often dictates that jealousy is the natural response to a partner’s new relationship. This norm can make it challenging to embrace alternative emotions like compersion. Emerging research suggests that internalised mononormativity may impact attitudes, perceptions, and behaviours of non-monogamous individuals toward themselves and their partners.

Reflective Question: How does mononormativity influence your views on relationships and your emotional responses to your partner’s interactions with others?

Embracing Compersion

Compersion is related to the Buddhist concept of muditā (sympathetic joy), which is the wholehearted participation in another’s happiness. This perspective shifts the focus from possessiveness to empathy and shared joy. If you’re interested in learning more about sympathetic joy including the latest research, try this article.

While it might seem counterintuitive, experiencing both jealousy and compersion simultaneously is common as this 2021 research study shows. Accepting and working through these mixed emotions can lead to a richer, more empathetic relationship experience.

Reflection Question: When have you felt joy for someone else’s happiness, and how can you cultivate more of that feeling in your romantic relationships?

Practical Strategies For Cultivating Compersion

1. Mindfulness and Self-Reflection: Practice mindfulness to stay present and non-judgmental about your emotions. Reflect on the sources of jealousy and envy and explore ways to address these underlying needs. This Loving Kindness Meditation aims to strengthen feelings of kindness and connection toward others.
2. Open Communication: Foster open and honest communication with your partner. Discuss your feelings and work together to find mutually satisfying solutions.
3. Self-Care and Confidence: Strengthen your sense of self and personal autonomy. A strong, confident sense of self makes it easier to feel joy for your partner’s happiness.

Applying These Insights To Monogamous Relationships

Even in monogamous relationships, understanding jealousy, envy, and compersion can enhance emotional resilience and empathy. These emotions can highlight areas where personal or relational growth is needed.

The below quote from Dr Marie Thouin beautifully captures the essence of cultivating a compersive mindset and loving in abundance. You can read more here.

Looking at love as a way to elevate one another, and taking joy in their autonomous, unique, and incommensurable expression—rather than under the lens of conditionality and control—begins with an intention. When we develop a “compersive attitude,” experiences of envy or jealousy can be framed not as a personal affront, but as an indicator that there is an opportunity to fill our individual and relational plates more abundantly.

Reflective Question: How can you use feelings of jealousy or envy as opportunities for personal and relational growth?

Understanding and navigating jealousy, envy, and compersion can lead to more fulfilling and empathetic relationships. Whether you’re in a monogamous or non-monogamous relationship, these insights can help you and your partner support each other in ways that feel healthiest and happiest.