If you are feeling daunted about the holiday season—perhaps because you are spending it with too many people, not enough, or simply not the people you want to be spending it with—this article is for you. Especially for queer, trans, poly, and kinky people, going "home" to a family of origin can stir up complicated feelings, particularly if you are expecting to be misgendered, misunderstood, or judged. While this article cannot address the specifics of every unique family dynamic, it is a "cheat sheet" of 10 strategies to provide comfort in those difficult holiday moments.

The Reality of Holiday Stress

For many in the LGBTQIA+ and neurodivergent communities, the holidays can trigger what clinicians call Minority Stress. This is the chronic stress faced by members of stigmatised groups, which can spike during family gatherings where one's identity is not fully affirmed. Statistics from Stonewall UK indicate that 1 in 5 LGBT people have experienced a hate crime or incident because of their identity in the last year, and this vulnerability often extends into the "private" sphere of the family home.

For Black and minoritised LGBTQ+ individuals, these challenges are often compounded. A 2023 study by The Trevor Project found that 31% of Black LGBTQ+ youth reported having their identity frequently dismissed by family members, compared to 22% of their white peers. Recognising these patterns is the first step toward protecting your mental well-being.

1. Others Do Not Define You

No matter what anyone else says, you decide who you are. You choose how you define yourself, including your name, gender, relationship style, and sexuality. You know yourself better than those who might try to define you in ways that feel uncomfortable, inappropriate, or outdated. You deserve to be treated with respect.

2. "Wrong" Is Subjective

Someone else's opinion on your "lifestyle" (a generic term that often covers anything from being vegan to polyamorous in some relatives' minds) is just their opinion. It is not a universal truth; it is their judgement. Remember that their subjective view has no inherent power over your reality.

3. Choose Peace

It can be tempting to push back when people say things you disagree with. While standing up to transphobes and bigots is admirable, be mindful of the cost to your own energy. If advocacy costs you more than it gains in a specific moment, you are allowed to choose peace—not for them, but for yourself.

4. Bring "Backup" Information

If you are worried about being criticised or treated like someone you no longer are, bring evidence of your authentic life. On your phone, create a folder of photos that make you smile, alongside messages from your "chosen family" that remind you of who you truly are. Use this as a private grounding tool when things feel heavy.

5. Have a Helpline Handy

If you are worried about your mental health, ensure you have a professional outlet available. Having a chat support option or a phone number ready can be a vital safety net. This article contains specific UK-based LGBTQIA+ support and crisis options.

6. Give Them Love

If relatives complain that you are not "doing enough" or contributing enough money or time, offer them your love and presence. If that is not enough for them, that is a reflection of their expectations, not your worth.

7. You Are Worth Caring For Too

We often focus on caring for elderly relatives or younger children during the holidays. Remember that you are a person too, and you deserve the same level of care and attention you provide to others.

8. You Are Not a Tree

If a room feels stifling, remember that you have the agency to leave it. Gift yourself a moment of fresh air, a trip to the shops, or a walk with a pet. Taking ten minutes of "time out" is a valid and necessary form of self-regulation.

9. Find Opportunities for Play

Lighten the mood by initiating a simple game or shared silliness with a niece, nephew, or even a pet. A little romp or a game of catch can pass the time more enjoyably and help regulate your nervous system through movement and laughter.

10. Remember You Are Loved

With the judgements that can come your way, it is easy to feel unlovable. Even if you are not currently with the people who truly "see" you, please remember that you remain precious, lovable, and loved by your chosen community.

Please note: Intimata is closed from 19th December – 6th January. We wish you a peaceful and playful holiday season!