If you're feeling daunted about the holiday season, maybe because you're spending it with too many people, or not enough, or not the people you want to be spending it with, this article is for you. Especially for queer, trans, poly, and kinky people, going 'home' to your family of origin can stir up complicated feelings, especially if you're expecting to be misgendered, misunderstood, or judged (or you've not come out to them yet). While this article can't address the specifics of your unique family dynamic, it is a cheat sheet of 10 things that may provide some comfort in those difficult holiday moments.

1. Other's Don't Define You 

No matter what anyone else says, you decide who you are and you choose how you define yourself, including your name, gender, relationship style, and sexuality. You know who you are and you deserve to be treated with respect. At the very least, hold on to the truth that you know yourself better than those who might try and define you in ways that feel uncomfortable, inappropriate, or outdated. 

2. 'Wrong' Is Subjective 

Someone else's opinion on your 'lifestyle' (which seems to be a generic term that covers anything from being vegan to polyamorous in some older relatives' minds...) is just their opinion. It's not a universal truth, it's their judgement, and, at most, their subjective truth. Remember point 1, and that it's only their opinion and it has no power over you. 

3. Choose Peace

It can be very tempting to push back when people are saying things you don't agree with. While I am all for standing up to bullies, racists, transphobes, and the awful rest, be mindful of the impact your advocacy and activism have on you. If it costs you more than it gains, I invite you to consider choosing peace, not for them, but for you. You deserve to feel peace during the holiday season. 

4. Bring Contradictory Backup Information

Imagine you're giving a presentation at work. You'd gather data, maybe get some images to share, and make sure you were clear about the key statements you want to make. You can do the same for yourself if you're worried you'll have family or other people criticising you or treating you like someone you're not or aren't any longer. On your phone, make a folder of photos that make you smile and feel good, and messages and memories that remind you of who you truly are.  

5. Have A Helpline Handy

If you're worried about your mental health, make sure you have someone else available to talk to. This is when a helpline is great to have on hand. This article contains some general and specific UK-based phone and chat support options.

6. Give Them Love 

If people complain you're not doing enough, not contributing enough time, or not giving enough gifts or money, give them your love. If that's not enough, that's on them, not you.

7. You Are Worth Caring For Too

Too often in the holiday season, we're focused on helping other people, be that relatives or elderly neighbours. It's wonderful that you care for people, but remember that you are people too, and you too need and deserve to be cared for. 

8. You Are Not A Tree

If you are able to walk or leave the room, remember that you can. Gift yourself a moment's fresh air, pop to the shops, or find a dog to take for a walk. Whatever it takes to get a few minutes away from people, find an excuse and leave. You're allowed to take some time out for yourself. 

9. Play With Someone

If you have a spare niece or nephew, neighbour's cat, or Amazon delivery person, see if they want to play together (ok, maybe not the delivery person...). Find someone who is willing to have a little romp and shared silliness and try initiating some form of play. It doesn't have to be grand or complicated, just a game of tag or catch. If all goes well, it'll make you and them laugh, lighten the mood, and pass the time in a more enjoyable way.

10. Remember You Are Loved

With all the requests and judgements that can come your way or lack of contact and loneliness, it can be easy to feel unloved and unlovable during the holidays. Even if you're not loved by all the people you're with at any given moment, or you're not with those people who do love you, please remember that you are still precious, lovable, and loved. 

Please note, Intimata is closed 19th December - 6th January. We wish you a peaceful and playful holiday season!