We all react differently when we are hurt, frustrated, or overwhelmed. Imagine a stressful moment—perhaps a misunderstanding with a partner, a challenging situation at work, or even just feeling unheard. What is your immediate, gut-level response? Do you feel a surge of anger, a desire to shut down, or a rush to protect yourself?

Recognising our "default setting" when upset is a powerful act of self-awareness. It is the first step towards choosing a more constructive path and breaking free from patterns that might be damaging your relationships or your own well-being. Here are five typical responses, how to recognise them in yourself, and points for reflection.

1. The Defensive Stance

When you feel criticised or misunderstood, your natural instinct might be to shield yourself. This response is rooted in our brain's protective mechanisms. You can read more about building resilience in this article by Mind.

• Typical Behaviours: Blaming others ("It's not my fault, you always..."), justifying actions with lengthy explanations, or counter-attacking with a criticism of your own.
• How to Recognise It: You feel a tightness in your chest or stomach; your mind immediately starts formulating arguments to prove your innocence; you struggle to genuinely apologise.
• Alternatives to Reflect On:
  • Practise active listening: Truly hear the other person without forming a rebuttal.
  • Pause before reacting: "I hear what you're saying. I need a moment to think about that."
  • Own your part: Acknowledge where you might have contributed, even if you don't agree with everything.

2. The Aggressive Outburst

Feeling vulnerable or out of control can manifest as anger. This isn't always physical; it can be verbal or passive. See the NHS guidance on managing anger and our article on fighting fair.

• Typical Behaviours: Raising your voice, using harsh or sarcastic language, slamming doors, or passive-aggressive withdrawal.
• How to Recognise It: You feel a rush of heat or tension; your thoughts focus on "winning" or making the other person "pay"; you feel regret or shame afterwards.
• Alternatives to Reflect On:
  • The "Parking" Strategy: "I'm feeling too angry to discuss this right now. Let's revisit this tomorrow." Read more on how to park a conversation.
  • Identify the underlying emotion: Is it actually fear, sadness, or frustration hidden beneath the anger?

3. The Controlling Grip

When life feels chaotic, some try to regain order by taking control of others or the situation. Psychology Today notes that we can ultimately only control ourselves.

• Typical Behaviours: Micromanaging others, giving unsolicited solutions to "fix" things, or demanding that things be done exactly your way.
• How to Recognise It: You feel anxious when things aren't going "your" way; you struggle to delegate or trust others to handle tasks.
• Alternatives to Reflect On:
  • Focus on your response: Shift energy from the outcome to your own actions.
  • Practise asking for input: Instead of dictating, ask, "How do you think we should handle this?"

4. The Regressive Retreat

When overwhelmed, some revert to earlier, less mature coping mechanisms. This is about emotional regression rather than physical age.

• Typical Behaviours: Shutting down, going silent, avoiding responsibilities, or using sleep as a numbing mechanism.
• How to Recognise It: An intense urge to hide or escape; a sense of helplessness; a desire for someone else to take over and "fix" the situation.
• Alternatives to Reflect On:
  • Mindful self-soothing: Use deep breathing or meditation. See The Mental Health Foundation for strategies.
  • Communicate the need for space: "I am feeling overwhelmed and need some time alone. Can we talk later?"

5. The Numbing Escape

The brain may seek to shut down painful emotions entirely using external distractions to "check out."

• Typical Behaviours: Excessive substance use, compulsive scrolling on social media, binge-watching, or workaholism.
• How to Recognise It: You feel emptiness or detachment after a stressor; you use a behaviour specifically to avoid a certain feeling; temporary relief is followed by guilt.
• Alternatives to Reflect On:
  • Identify the emotion: Ask, "What am I feeling right now?" Just naming it can help.
  • Grounding exercises: Use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique to return to the present moment. Headspace offers excellent grounding guides.

Identifying your default behaviour is not about judgement; it is about understanding. Once you recognise your pattern, you gain the power to choose a different path.

Next Steps for Reflection:

1. Observe without judgement: Which of these patterns resonates most strongly with you this week?
2. Identify triggers: What specific words or situations set off your default response?
3. Practise an alternative: Pick one manageable alternative and implement it the next time you feel triggered.

If you recognise you need professional support, consider using a helpline, talking to your doctor, or speaking with a counsellor.